KRaZy KiK AsS Ko0Ky KrEEpY KaL Of Ko0LNesS

Wednesday, May 14, 2003:

Hey guyz, well over the past few days i got a new car an idigo blue toyota corrolla, its fuken cool i dont car what car u have. Well i named her today, called her Kaltrina yes that her name Kaltrina, lol yea seems like im shallow heheh. Well car is so sweet, i lost my first race in it too, and guess to who??? my freaken dad, man we were racing back from the dealer and i was kiken his ass nasty styles when the freeway was full i was cutting cars off and zigzagging through traffic but when the traffik went away top speed played in and his car had way more so he was juss in the horizon and i was like whered u go dad lol. Meh i dont care i didnt buy the car to race, i juss want a reliable car where the brakes dont give out, and u dont have to worry about it blowing up and checking the gages constantly maken sure it doesnt overheat like my isuzu. Well my day has been great, but i feel sad and mad right now, after talken to hilda, im usually happy as when i finish talken to her, but im just furious its nothing that she said, its juss i got reminded how much of a loser i am, juss how fuken hidious i look, and how hopeless i am and always will be. Meh im hopeless. Im gonna go run my ass off, (a way to prevent myself from going back to drugs). bye
Kal // 5/14/2003 10:03:00 PM

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Sunday, May 11, 2003:

Hello freinds, well now its 2:20 im so fuken tired. Well on saturday i volunteered at the Revlon walk to cure womens breast cancer, then i actually ran the 5 miles. It was cool. Well other than that i got home went to sleep, and woke up every few hours, so i dont get a constant 4 hours of sleep i set my alarm to do that, because of some issues i have with nightmares i know im a freak but i dont give a fuk, well julez came over and we watched TV and hes sleeping over he is in the next room. Well a relapse on last thursday in the body building contest, well julez won it, wow he so deserves this, i mean he made this his life all he did is work to achieve this, and im so glad everything is going good for him, and now that he has the girl of his dreams by his side, ive never seen him more happy juss great. Well joes got 5th in the competition that really pissed me off he deserved 3rd in my opinion, the way joes is going now, will be Mr. Bravo next year, way he works he just pours his heart into it, man he has some dedication. Well i quit work yesterday because i never get of the money i make anywayz, so i just said fuk it i quit thats a way i screwd my parents over. Well i feel like shit and i cant sleep and out of pure boredom and in a feeble attempt to escape misery i came to write in my blog. I just feel so left out, god im a fuken loser. My depression has worsend it has become evermore apparent and i dont know what to say, its just so tormenting, now its just so bad where it got to the point where it is actually a physical pain, it actually hurts me, i think and it feels like my heart is ripping appart and nothing i can do to stop it, god im a little bitch my eyes are tearing. Well it helps when i wrte, i juss feel like screaming or running till i pass out, but im so tired my joints hurts when i move, my back keeps craking when i stretch and i feel like im slouching even when i standing straight. Well im listening to some arabic folk music right now, hehe more of a love peice its about a farmer who falls in love with a beatiful rich lady, but the farmer being poor has no chance in hell with getting with that lady, or the approval of her father, so he basically works so hard that he becomes rich they fall in love get together, and she dies, he having nothing left in his life, no point, no purpose no soul or heart to continue living he kills him self with her. Well this is a really old song i translated it to the best of my ability, well i dunno i feel like i can relate to this song in many ways, not just in a past situations but in a current time too. Well im listening to deftones now, man im not thinking right im falling asleep while i type but i need to stay up for 30 more minutes so i can bypass my nightmare period, i made a whole scheadule around it. Well im going to go read Artemis Fowl by eoin colfer, its a pretty good book so far, well have a nice night laterz freinds.
Kal // 5/11/2003 02:45:00 AM

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