KRaZy KiK AsS Ko0Ky KrEEpY KaL Of Ko0LNesS

Tuesday, February 25, 2003:

Hi, well i finnaly slept for the first time in 4 days, even though it was for 2 hours only, it felt good. I had the weirdest dream, I dreamt it was my monica, and she was telling me to take my life to go with her, do u think shes sending me a message from the afterlife asking bidding me to go visit her?? I dunno why would an angel call a loser like me beside her?? I dunno ive been thinkin and i have come to the conclusion that it was part of the hallucenogen of that glass that i took. Well my head feels like its about to blow up, my body feels like its on fire, and my muscle ache when i move, but i have become used to this feeling as its an everyday normal thing to me now. I feel so lonely in this world, with my monica gone, my freinds who are so busy preparing for the body building contest and are too busy to kik it (i dont blame em) that leavs me wit isaac who i cant kik it wit most of the time and if i do its like theres nothing to do because were both broke and have no cars, so lately ive been feeling like my only freind is the high i get which seems tru to me. My mind in scrambled sometimez i even forget i have freinds. Well way i see it my life has been a total waste, the world would of been a better place if i wasnt even created. Im such a loser ive failed on everything i have done, i failed sniper school, i failed my monica, ive failed school, failed my freinds, failed my parents. I look back and try to recollect my life and i see its full of crap, seeing i havent accomplished one thing in my life i ask myself whats the point of it?? i dont plan for it to get any better so i wont accomplish it, so it would be just better for me to end this horror before i snap and start killing people. Today victor was pissing me off, if it wasnt for my freind joes telling me to back of i wouldve snapped that fuckers neck of then and there i dont give a fuk if i goto prison. Well my life is an everyday boring dull process of school, home, work and its just so stressfull, I wish i was 18, i would so fuken leave my parents house, work full time rent myself an apartment, wait no fuk that i would leave this country and i would help those less fortunate i guess, but unfortunatly my ass skipped the 3rd grade, and i have to wait another whle fuken year till i turn 18, while most peeps are getting to leave, im gonna stay stuck with these faggots. My head hurts i cant think im gonna go take a hit and get some more sleep. Have a nice day all... kal
Kal // 2/25/2003 08:41:00 PM

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Monday, February 24, 2003:

Hi, these past days ive tried to stop the drug intake but so far it has been vain, i tried speed injections, and so far ive been up for 3 days, and no matter how hard i try to sleep i cant, and im so tired, how long does this effect last?? well i guess it is good for work. Well as far as my bud smoking its been growing ever more apparent and frequent, and now no matter how much i do, i still feel the depression. I just dont know what to do, if drugs wont even cover up this depression what will?? I ve been spenidng my last few days on the verge of mental collapse, and today well a couple hours ago i broke down, collapsed fell to my knees and couldnt stop crying, was sad imagine a grown man on his knees crying, and i couldnt stop i juss sat in my corner huddled up and kept crying, i dunno what to do anymore, now i have gone to the numb kal feeling where it actually feels like nothing, Everything is Numb. I juss want this to end, ive been thinkin of ways to end my life, but then in my religion suicide is an automatic tiket to hell, but i dont really care i see myself ending up there anywayz, whenever i get close to ending it my moms face comes up and i remember Luis's mom at his funeral and how she couldnt even stand, and i dont want my mother to share that fate, so suicide for me isnt an option. Well i guess its just time for me to keep on the fight hopefully itll get better, thats the only thing i have left hope, and its failing, well i guess im off to do something dont know what yet.
Kal // 2/24/2003 10:21:00 PM

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