KRaZy KiK AsS Ko0Ky KrEEpY KaL Of Ko0LNesS

Saturday, February 08, 2003:

Dear Diary

Fuk u, i dont give a shit, post to self dont do anything rash. Well hey its kal this wednsay my freind mike was shot in the head 3 times, lukily he had no family so they called upon everyone on his know list and i appered next so they call me over to identify his body, so i did not actually know its him because there was no head on his body was a total decapitation, what i did use as an identifying figure is the dragon wit the X and a P227 german semi auto pistol tattoo across from his lower chest all around his back to his neck, was some old azn gang that he was in back in the day. Well i do seriously think that im a bad omen nothing is going rite my freinds and family dying on me, my freind roy left bravo, I dropped star 2. My life is shit, and im tired of all of u fukers telling me about ur boy freind and girl freinds do u think i give a frizziling fuk??? and no i cant give u advice on what to get them for valentines day cuz i dont fuken know, if i did maybe id have a fuken gf, and as far as prom im tired of talken to u fukers about prom, cuz i aint gonna have a date and if i do its gonna be a hooker, so please dont fuken bring those issues up. Im not usually like this im usually nice, and go out of my way to make people happy, but u know what im tired of giving a shit about others time to be selfish its all about me cuz im not gonna see any of u fukers for the rest of my life so why care??? I tried to be good and a happy fuken prik, but i realize i cant be that not after lets see 9 freinds dead and 1 uncle lets see my girl freind, im sorry but i have an emotional scar for life, but cover the depression up wit some bud or maybe juss get my combat knife and stab my self in the stomach a couple of times or hammer my hand maybe, and itll be all good helps relieve the pain, and juss put on that fake smile and pretend like everything is okay, like life is great. Well y am i even writing in this??? i dont fuken know so dont ask maybe its the last bastion of sanity left in me to record my thoughts and feelings?? maybe im juss gone mad and i dont know it, so i dont give a fuk aight laterz have fun u stupid fuks
Kal // 2/08/2003 11:13:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 04, 2003:

Life...
My Life is about keeping myself entertained until im dead...
My Life is about all the tastes and sights i can enjoy before im dead
My Life is about pain and misery, wich lead to death...
My Life is about drugs and alchyhol, wich will eventually kill me...
My Life is meaningless without love; Loveless i shall die...
My Life is meaningless....i dont love myself...
My Life has tuched the lives of others...wich prevents me from death..
My Life has taken life from others...im glad i caused death..
My Life was destroyed before I was the age of 16...
My Life is death....
My freind Anonymus
My freind just emailed me this, his freind just got locked up, his freind was indirectly my freind too, and he feels like shit just as i do and wrote this poem, so i decided to share it because it also expresses my greif, in every way. So yah ill see u later


Kal // 2/04/2003 08:38:00 PM

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Hi all, i regret not writing in this as often it helps me realese some of my anger. Well as many of u know ive been fuked up the past 2 weeks started the bud again, the late night parties where i wake up in some girls house, not remembering how i got there. Ive been making bad decision lately i have been following my heart more than i have my brain. I usually analyze things before i act know i just do what i feel and thats wrong its making me go crazy. Ive think i should stop the bud i used to do it all the time but know that i started again and i started strong i cant stop. Know one whole fuken dime bag wont even get me the buzz i need, I havent done it in like 3 days and the withdrawl is comen in strong. Im tripping paranoya has been all over me, as i keep hearing constant voices in my head telling me to do the badest things to the people i love, am i going insane??? I see my only escape from those voices is death or drugz, i feel so lost in this world, i think i tryin to be macho man kal starving myself like a dumbass so i can look good and all the keeping inside of my pain has built up so much that my system juss gave out. Well i respect all the people who say they are worried about me, and telling me to stop, i see how they feel but i plea to them to leave me alone i just need time to think to myself. Well today i juss got some more bad info making my life an even worse wreck for me, My whole body is numb rite know i cant feel anything but my heart feels as there are thousands of spears tearing through it coming out and in and out in and endless circler motion which makes me wanna break down and cry, beg for god to end thins miserable excuse for a life, but again thats my feelings talking i dont wanna die, i want to live up to my dreams to be a doctor and help the poor in 3rd world countries i want to be like my dad thats what i wanna be, but i again i know i follow these false hopes and expectations that i will go through college, that i will become a doctor and i will have the beautiful wife and those 3 beutiful children that I want, but i know thats a bunch of bull shit. Well enough of my dumbass thoughts. Lets see today i kiked it after skoo wit vinnie, we went to LACC to fill out a transcript request form, then we got food i had 2 big cheese pizzaq slices and i got vinnie some thai food. Well afterwords we went to some guys house kinda lives by that cafe that i went to with martinez and henry, he was cool, vinnie and the guys bleached there hair then we went and bought some more cuz the yran out of bleach, was funny cuz the dude was wearing a plastik bag on his head and was walking around waz funny!!!! well he had some kik ass chuwawa dawg that wouldnt leave m alone, but the dawg was cool tho so was the dude little bro hes only a 6th grader but i can tell hes smart as hell. Well ya so after that i drop vinnie of and come home and start writing this and here i am, well ill see u guys later
Kal // 2/04/2003 08:28:00 PM

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Sunday, February 02, 2003:

Hey well, im sorry havent been writing still recooperating for all the bad shit in my life, well i have resorted to masochism and drugs to cover up some of the pain. Mnay people are like why do u do that, and all i have to say is fuck off you dont know what i go through. Well this weekend my hommies hung out it was fuk we went to venice beach and citywalk played football and all that shit man it was crazy fun, it takes ur mind of the real world kinda like drugs but funner. Well ive done alot of things sice i last wrote in this recording of my miserable life, i cant recall any of them because i was prolly hurtin, and if not i was drugged in some way or another. Well ill see you guys later. Bye
Kal // 2/02/2003 09:33:00 PM

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