KRaZy KiK AsS Ko0Ky KrEEpY KaL Of Ko0LNesS
Sunday, October 10, 2004:
Hey all, well I havent writtin in this for a long time. To catch up on my life im playing an online game called lineage2 its now taken over all aspects of my social life.. Over the summer I went to Iraq... I goto SMC and I drive a corolla =P. Well real reason im positing in this becuase I met this chick on my lineage 2 game called mehaa, she presured me to write in this, she is probably going to be the only one reading this. I would have to say that I do fancy her in a way as she does look like the hottest chik on the wolrd (avril lavigne) and shes pretty cool to talk to, by saying that I fancy her and knowing that she will read this I have commited a bullet to the head... but thats okay she lives somewhere far-away and I guess ill never ever meet her =P (which is good for her, because she thinks im some sort of serial rapist.. but she still continues to talk to me... how odd lol). Well there is this clan in my lineage2 game called EF I have currently left this clan =( which I love so much in hope that I will return to it soon (hopefully mehaa will come with me =/...) I feel like shit because I left the clan, I have many friends and people that I love in it =/. After totaly being bumed out about that, I started to think about my life how horrible it was... All my shitty experiences with the female kind and how they were utter failures I got into a sort of frantic hate... I started thinking of days where I was a masochist and contemplated doing it again as physical pain doesnt seem to affect me as much as my emotions. Well the music I was listening to at the time didnt help either (dashboard confesionals and coldplay...) at that point I had lost it so I called in for an absent day from work and hit the drinks I remember walking into a bar in southgate (they never ask for my ID because my beard makes me look 50) I remember starting to guzzle down alot next minute I know I wake up at Midway Hospital with 46 stitches in both arms and my torso. Im sure that I got beat up and beat up pretty bac =*(. I dont care though I feel a little better. Im at work right now.. Ill see if i can get out early get myself a few more beers =/. Moral of the stroy fuck u all.
thx
kal the dude
Kal // 10/10/2004 01:50:00 AM
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Monday, January 19, 2004:
Hi all I return to you from my humble origions to write in this blog =). Well I added a commentary slip to it which allows you to click on it and comment on that post and also a message board to write whatever you feel like. I doubt anyone is going to use these faetures since no one actually reads this blog. AFI morningstar is now playin. Be like that by 3 doors down is up, I love 2 doors down FUck u flaming fucks who are like your fucking gay remix why you listen to pussy shit, fuck those motha fuckas i listen to what i want Ill listen to vanessa carlton and kylie mongue avril lavigne and shit I dont give a fuck u band wagon jumpin fgts who like what other people like i mean cmon be real. I like 3 doors down so much that imma listen to kryptonite by my side and loser. I like loser remindes me off me but fuck it i think im cool so all you bastards can bite me. Im tired havent done shit all day but some hw for college and played d2 on bnet with neto and his little bro andrew and Nferno from MR. I also went to work today that sucked =(. Today an old friend of mine called out of the blue i havent talked toh im in like 5 years and i didnt exactly leave off with him on a good side it was a cool but heated convo also memories of the old days rolled back in 8th grade in middle school those were the best days of my life not high school, high school was fucking shitty everytime I think back I hate it more and everytime I look back i remember those people who i trusted and loved as friend when it came down to face the truth they arent friends I never really had them as friends. The concept of friends is just fucking BS i consider myself to have no friends they are either working or with there gf or come up with BS excuse to not kick it thats why i resorted to school work and playing on my comp. Only time they ever talk to me is when they need something next time a friend calls me im going to hang up on them because they arent worth my time when i need them they are nowhere in site meh. I washed my car it was dirty again in 30 minutes it pissed me off but i couldnt do shit now im 18 i have to sign up forselective services and the draft =( meh whatever were are all slave subjects to the hiearchial form we call out beloved "government" Im 18 and im paying taxes to see fucking fat ugly ass bitchs use there food coupons to do their nails before i used to have sympathy and all but now its like fuck this shit im breaking my ass in work for those fat ugly ass bitchs? fuck it cut back on the money for poor because its not being used properly. WHatever im tired depresed and shit so im going to go ltrz all =D.
Kal // 1/19/2004 10:01:00 PM
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Friday, January 16, 2004:
Man today after meeting up with brian get some classes down I went to tito's tacos for a snack to grubb on. I was juss standing there in a long ass line when a fucking van pulls up and some mothas fuckas packin heat pull out I saw that shit early I dived behined the fuckin walls I juss see gold strings everywhere I really couldnt here anything Next minute i see red the dude behined me had his face torn off I was on the floor to scared to get up this is the third time ive been in a fuckin driveby man that shit gets you thinkin just a second ago I was standing there right there a fucking second earlier and I wouldnt be around.. Man my hands are still shaking fucking shock and shit, I phoned up 911 with quickness after i recoverd everyone was on the floor u couldnt tell dead from alive from wounded turned out 2 people were killed 3 wounded the only people that died were a man and his son right behind me if i didnt duck i would be gone too.... Man shit gets you all fucked up makes you think all complicated i love my life even though its pure and utter shit i still got alot to do that i havent done yet RIP for that man and his son I dunno who pulled that driveby or why. Fuckin 50 pig status wouldnt let my ass leave cuz i was wearing all black they be thinking i had something to do shit I got on my own free though took my corrolla and left after they questiond thank god im 18 now they wouldve called my parents and i wouldve been fucked hardcore. This makes me all go back to my friend Mike died not a while back I remember his last words were recorded and those were yea I want to live I remember i asked him if he wanted like a week before that he never answerd till he died. man im all fucked right now not knowing right from wrong or vice-versa im just so lost another fucking victim in the game of life. Whatever man i juss needed to let some stress off in this bitch get some feel imma go and try to get some sleep doubt it all i think off is that man and his kid god damn thats a waste of life. fuck this shit.
Kal // 1/16/2004 01:09:00 AM
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Thursday, January 15, 2004:
Im so bored that ill post twice in a row! im such a pimp. Wow elevator by boxcar is kinda fucking depressing now its AFI silver and col meh. Man depressing shit is the fucking shit if it wasnt for depressing muzik I would be nowhere dont ask why even that shit makes me feel horrible worst then i normally am its still cool its fucking weird how i work, it like i am a ...... woman. Speaking of women wtf?????????? why are they so hard your nice to them they think ur trying to get some If your mean your an asshole so if your both your a hypocrite and if your none youll be shy wtf??? why do women think that shit I mean if im nice to a girl then im just being nice why does everyone think im like a seriel rapist stalker type. So what i do is I act as a dick and then girls are liek whats your problem why cant you be nice fuck its a never ending circle wtf???? im so lost women are hard to deal with but fuck i love em I mean who doesnt?SO here I am going off in random tangents talking about the next thing that comes to mind Afi dont make me ill is now on =D. So wowJan 7th was my B-day no one called no one cared not even my own family knew not a single happy birthday and like usual I get nothing, meh thats my luck. Im 18 know I bought like 10 porn mags that day gave em to the little kids that were eyeing that shit and knowing that they cant get it so i go it for em. I also bought a philly cigar I smoked it even though i hate that shit juss for the sake of memory when i look back I can say i smoked a philly on my 18th B-day. I mostly stayed home that day and did nothing. When it became night I rolled deep in a strip club (like I havent been to one already) with my beard i look like 30. So yeah that was also for the sake of memory ahh the first time I legaly went into a strip club lol. The plan is for my friends to take me fgts didnt do jack shit fucking bastards when its their b-days i scramble for the presents and the little b-day cards and shit well fuck that dont need ot bust that shit anymore =(. Hmmm... wait maybe they are planing a surprise party for me but why two weeks later??? hmm whatever fuck it I should stop thinking retarded shit, fuck they will prolly read this. Dashboard good fight is playing now. The lezbians though did manage to call and tell me they love me today I was like wow thanx (yea right they are fucking Lez!!! lol im juss kidding I love you guyz too) that was cool I mean thats all i really want for my b-day to be acknowledged not necesarly a gift just a Happy B-day kal good job u lived to see 18 how much longer will u live (i think 30 max 31 =( thats fucking sad). U know what I hate???? people that are like ITS MY B-DAY NEXT WEEK GET ME A PRESENT AND SAY HAPPY B-DAY TO ME its like wtf???? what a fucking loser all advertising that shit like that, like I know Isaac's b-day is feb 14th lets see if he does that shit. I mean why would anyone feel good if they got a recognition from advertising their b-day like that its like being a slut, plus if they were truly friends they would be all like happy b-day without you even telling them. Fuck im tired 3 doors down so i need u is playin now =D <---- aint that smiley face the shit? wait check this out <3 ohh its a fucking heart im such a fucking pimp all u wannabe's need to get the fuck off me YOU CANT HOLD ME! whatevers ltrz all
Kal // 1/15/2004 12:47:00 AM
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Wow Got grades, they were umm So-So. Meh good times, Im so fucking tired I have no class tommorow so I decided to roll knee deep up in this biznatch. So today after class I met up with the lezbians and juss went over to there crib and played some game cube, (Zelda Fuckin ownz u bitchs!) That shit was tight im grateful for the lezbians if it wasnt for them i would have no friends. All the old bravo fuckers went A-wall on my ass whatevers. See if it wasnt for the lezbians i wouldnt have access to parties that normal college freshmans would have, I wouldnt of been in many drunken frenzies. I would of never tried of out the new shit that I havent done. With the lezbians I also can get laid very easily even though I am abnormally fat ugly stinky .... (add to the list) So I dedicate this post to the lezbians The best lezbians I know and will ever know. Ummm dunno what to type Listening to AFI a single second. AFI is the fucking shit ... blah...fuck. Im so fuckin stupified right now i cant think of anything to say. Tommota imma meet up with brian and julez to sign up for classes for spring 04 so yeah, song changed now im listening to wake up call also by afi meh. Fuck this imma peace Ltrz all and I love u lezbians and hi isaac (ur the only peeps that read this waste of time boring as shit).
Kal // 1/15/2004 12:22:00 AM
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003:
Fuck, i forgot about this. Yeah im the coolest person alive. I juss felt like sharing my thoughts, well college is cool and its fun but fucken hard but im a dumbass at a community college so maybe thats why. Well you now what???? im actually somewhat happy now, no more depressed kal and shit. You know why??? i stopped giving a shit for example girls before I used to try and look cool think of somehting "sly" and "hip" to impress them and shit which would often cuz me to stutter or stop thinking in whole, now i dont give a shit why even try and that has gottin me far with the chiks, like the way i look i dont give a shit if im fat anymore (6 doller burgers at carls j for me) i stopped giving a shit in class and i think my grades are better. But most of all is my improvemnt with the ladies. So moral of story college is cool and I am your god. I know these 2 lezbian chiks in my class they are soo fucken hot and fun to be with its soo great. I also have my bravo friends like serGAY, pilipino brian, PB (pretty boi aka chris) wislon. They are fucken cool sometimes i see other bravo people that juss tend to look at me like im supposed to say something ot them I often walk by not doing anyhting so they get mad and i could careless. So yeah Umm luv to u peeps and keep it real or something.
Kal // 11/11/2003 07:56:00 PM
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Sunday, November 09, 2003:
Holy shit, i forgot about this. So yeah im in college. Umm nothing special about it hot chiks and shit usual stuff. Im tired i dont know what to say my life isnt that special. Umm yeah hi issac i know he prolly will be the only one to read this, xcept for all the hot smc chiks i know. So yeah fuck u and good bye =)> Oh yeah i am your god and you have no choice about that.
Kal // 11/09/2003 11:41:00 PM
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Tuesday, July 29, 2003:
Hey been a while since i wrote in this. I just saw American Pie 2 wow that movie was good. Funny as hell. Well been like 2 months since i got out of high skool, 2 months into summer then college, fuk i miss my freinds, i miss all the bravo peeps shit was fun while it lasted. Well worken at my temp job i got fired (was construction) he said i was a good worker but he said he can get way cheaper labor (prolly some illegal immigrant mexican workers) why pay me min wage an hour when he can pay a mexican like 3 buks for a whole day. well thats life i really need a job i plan to move out and live with my friend julez on the beach, need cash to pay rent and to pay for classes. I dont know if i have matured but i know actually analyze my actions tho most of them still are foolish and based on young ambitious reasons but i do think ahead. Well all i have to say is i feel like shit always have i miss her my true love my fallen angel, meh maybe life will get better juss another day thinking about her i really cant get over it, i mean shit i try but juss aint gonna work. Met a chik i gave her a ride home she was beatiful she doesnt have a bf (YAY) and she gave me her digits but it isnt gonna work, i need to try and shape up maybe some fuken plastik surgeory or some shit. Well life trully is a burdon i mean its just so hard for some people, and so easy for other i had to be one of the people that do it the hard way, maybe something good lies for me ahead but i doubt it, i dont have high confidence in myself but its not so low wherei get to the point of contemplating suicide i have gotten passed that, maybe more along the lines of masochism, maybe its a weird demented complex of sadism that i have wanting of my own self punishing do i like to see myself in such anguish? fuk it i dont care life sux. Well i guess im of to do who knows what, oh yea roy your prolly locked up and behind bars but im with you bro, we all are hang in tight and beat the system i know you can. Well i wrote this so my Diety will come back and restore faith in me i doubt it shit im probably crazy doubt if any of this made sense to any of you, well laterz all.
Kal // 7/29/2003 01:20:00 AM
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Sunday, July 06, 2003:
Sup guyz, havent written in a while, well alot of things happened I graduated high skool (thank god) iy am tired of skol cuz Iy be is none good at it. Well hmm grad nite was fun kiked it with isaac tamara henry and yelena S. and also with vanessa the hot validictorian chik. Well I dont really know what to write but i was bored and decided to write in here, well the 4th was fun kicking it at BJ's house playing halo and shit kinda got borin after a while because Bj and isaac were hooked on it and i didnt want to play video games the whole day, well i was owning them up i mean i served them and i had the crappy controller (not really owned and servd juss did well lol) Well i went to the beach today with my parents are bro (my bro is cool now me and him dont fight anymore) yea so at the beach (venice beach to be precise) I only thought of two things DAMN ITS HOT, and there sure are alot of hot ass chix here. Well yea kicked it ate and came back home it was okay i guess. Hmmm well tanzib sent me an invitation to his party im going thats cool, how come i dont have a graduation party??? and i didnt get shit for graduation... meh i dont really care, oh yeah Bj's party was pretty cool, kicked it there with some peeps it was somewhat fun. Hmmm well im looking for a job now, its hard no one is hiring damn faltering economy, well i guess im out to set fire to these left over fireworks, well have a nice nite bye. Oh yeah ill miss you 2003. We are all alumni now bunch of old ass bastards that no one liked and remembers lol.
Kal // 7/06/2003 10:23:00 PM
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Saturday, June 07, 2003:
Hi, been a week since i wrote in my blog, but it feels like it has been months. Well man unfortunate things have happened to me since the last time i wrote in this blog, apparently im a horrible person, not good enough for anyone not even my friends, who were my only source of friendship, hope, and the will to procede. If i dont have them, then who am i?? am i even worth to be seen in the face of humanity? i felt like they understood me but they dont, all good things must end (its a lesson that i have learned many times) apparently my good attributes lay forgotten and my bad ones are all that are rememberd, guess my bad outweighs my good. Well today i set out and i drove around not seeking the meaning of life, (that i always do) not seeking love, not seeking friendship, i just left for the sake of leaving a sense of an escape from life from my hell. I rememberd of the creek me and monica used to goto on Topanga canyon. I took 10 west which became PCH and a right on Topanga canyon road (beautiful road truly scenic) full of turns in the middle of two extra green mountain ranges overlooking the ocean its beautiful. Me and Monica used to go there all the time we loved going there. Then i went to the creek which i havent been to since the day i lost her, that very same creek she gave me my first kiss (good memories) i felt the same magic i felt when me and her were there a long time ago. Deep in the forest we used to have pikniks sitting next to the flowers next to the creek while the trees over us gave us shade, and the nice valley breeze, was great to be there. Then feeling disgusted by mylife, my mere presence in which i see as such a holy place, my defilement of it how could i stand there i ran back to my car, put on my vanessa carelton cd ( i dont care what you say I think she is cool) and drove through the canyon again, towards the valley away from malibu. Then i went to a park which i had never seen before it was so cool, its full of hiking and shit, and im thinking ill take my friends when they become that again or maybe some new friends that i might find and go there to hike and shit. Well i was hungry so i ate at Carl's J then i drove back home in the sunset through the canyons overlooking the beach, remembering how good life was back then as a kid, how ignorant and happy i was, I really do understand that song Back in the Days now. So yeah i got back home and here i am typing my daily bull shit. Well to tell this to anyone who might be reading this in the future dont get attached to anything not friends not family not even a loved one because they WILL leave you whether you like it or not, whether it be pure hate or an accident they will go and you will be left alone in this world lost by yourself. My condlolences to anyone who got hurt or died in the plane crash incident that happened near my house yesterday.
Kal // 6/07/2003 08:57:00 PM
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Wednesday, May 28, 2003:
Hi, come home at like 8:30 to bitching parents telling me where the fuk were u kal, im like skool u dumbfuks where else would i be, and why are they acten so fuken worried??? then i got into this mad argument with those dumbfuks they piss me of, my dad was like if u dont respect me then leave, so i was packing up the next second when my dad tell my mom pass me the hammer so ill beat the shit out of this kid, so i go pik it up and hand it to him, knowing his old ass has no chance against me, he puts it down, and he realizes im lost, he says it himself, im corrupted never again will i be that little dumb fuk happy kal with a dream of a bright future, little nice prick. I will admit it, i started out believing there was some good in this world, i find none, not even my friends, sometimes i feel like blowing joes's head off, and tearing julio to shreads, but i cant so that, im too weak and i dont have the fire power. All i want now is pure and ultimate hate, i want death to reign fuk religion fuk ur none unexistant god, and most of all fuk you. If this is it, i have truly lost my mind, i was never socially compatable so then why should i try so hard??? why should i give a fuck, im hopeless, so instead of tryen harder to become a better person, im changing, i dont care anymore i dont need anyone, i have my mind and i can talk to myself till the day i go crazy snap and blow my head off along with anyone else that pisses me off. Ive just had it with friends, family, everybody, fuk it, fuk you, fuk life. go teo hell u fuken prik, just reading this justifies you as a loser.
Kal // 5/28/2003 10:20:00 PM
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Monday, May 26, 2003:
Hey guyz, well its 8 pm now, i got back home like an hour ago. This saturday me and my parents took off to san diego but i had to go pik up my bro so i went to riverside piked him up and drove down to san diego from there, took the 60 became 215 then 15 then san diego 5 i drove wit ultimate speed usual kal, i was in the camry and my parents took a jaguar that they rented out. Well i went to some retarded wedding full of arabic peeps. I met this super hot chik there and we talked, we ended up leaving and we drove to the peer, which was 30 minutes away from the party because we were in Poway San diego. We juss sat there watchin the sunset ( i dont even know this girl yet) so we kiked it saw the sunset and we talked about life and shit, and i related to her in alot of way she was cool, so then i took her to a resturant cuz we skipped the dinner at the wedding, she was cool then decided that she should be going home so i took her home, then drove back to the La Quinta Inn where my parents and bro were, stayed the night, The next day i went to TJ mexico, my parents didnt wanna go so me and my bro went. It was cool, but the first time i went there i thought it was really cool there no problems. But when i went this time i was like wtf??? the streets were dirty people were begging, strip clubs at every corner with people yelling senior fresh pussy!!! and im thinkin poor mexican chix, so poor that they hav to work at strip clubs, i felt so sorry for the people the poverty level was horrible, it wasnt the same fun and happiness i had when i went the first time, i spent my time thinken of these poor people and my god it was sad, so when i went to the ATM, i took out 300 bux to spend i ended up withdrawing 50 more bux and i went aroung giving to the poor people, and to those little kids wanting to sell me those little retarded toys, i mean i didnt want the toy i bought them anywayz but gave the toy back with the money, should of seen the little kids eyes when he saw a US dollar in his hand. So then after i opened up, me and my bro went firwork looking wasnt hard to find at all, lets juss say me and my bro practically bought a mini atomic bomb, man that was a firework show to remember we had crowds of peeps watchen us, man it was cool. So i drove back took us 3 freaken hours to get back in the US, with peeps on the way tryen to sell us shit as we got out, i juss ended up giving peeps a dollar, they didnt even check our car, juss the passaport and they let us in. We went back to San diego, my bro didnt wanna stay so i took him back to riverside, then drove back down to san diego where i stayed at the La Quinta Inn in old town san diego which was next to the holiday inn where my parents were, stayed the night woke up early went to the san diego peer to watch the navy and marine peeps walk ashore, and i was like fuken awesome, watchen the families reunited, little kids running up to their Moms and Dads who have been serving far away for a long time, was a site to see, remined me when i welcomed my bro like 2 weeks back when he came on the USS Abe lincoln, but it was a happy reception because his new daughter had passed away. Well passed the day watchen the marines and shit and i drove to the recrutment center to the marines but i didnt sign up lol :P . So i spent the est of my time in old time san diego packed up my shit and left, and that was my weekend, im fuken tired im light headed so ill see u peeps later
Kal // 5/26/2003 08:19:00 PM
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Wednesday, May 14, 2003:
Hey guyz, well over the past few days i got a new car an idigo blue toyota corrolla, its fuken cool i dont car what car u have. Well i named her today, called her Kaltrina yes that her name Kaltrina, lol yea seems like im shallow heheh. Well car is so sweet, i lost my first race in it too, and guess to who??? my freaken dad, man we were racing back from the dealer and i was kiken his ass nasty styles when the freeway was full i was cutting cars off and zigzagging through traffic but when the traffik went away top speed played in and his car had way more so he was juss in the horizon and i was like whered u go dad lol. Meh i dont care i didnt buy the car to race, i juss want a reliable car where the brakes dont give out, and u dont have to worry about it blowing up and checking the gages constantly maken sure it doesnt overheat like my isuzu. Well my day has been great, but i feel sad and mad right now, after talken to hilda, im usually happy as when i finish talken to her, but im just furious its nothing that she said, its juss i got reminded how much of a loser i am, juss how fuken hidious i look, and how hopeless i am and always will be. Meh im hopeless. Im gonna go run my ass off, (a way to prevent myself from going back to drugs). bye
Kal // 5/14/2003 10:03:00 PM
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Sunday, May 11, 2003:
Hello freinds, well now its 2:20 im so fuken tired. Well on saturday i volunteered at the Revlon walk to cure womens breast cancer, then i actually ran the 5 miles. It was cool. Well other than that i got home went to sleep, and woke up every few hours, so i dont get a constant 4 hours of sleep i set my alarm to do that, because of some issues i have with nightmares i know im a freak but i dont give a fuk, well julez came over and we watched TV and hes sleeping over he is in the next room. Well a relapse on last thursday in the body building contest, well julez won it, wow he so deserves this, i mean he made this his life all he did is work to achieve this, and im so glad everything is going good for him, and now that he has the girl of his dreams by his side, ive never seen him more happy juss great. Well joes got 5th in the competition that really pissed me off he deserved 3rd in my opinion, the way joes is going now, will be Mr. Bravo next year, way he works he just pours his heart into it, man he has some dedication. Well i quit work yesterday because i never get of the money i make anywayz, so i just said fuk it i quit thats a way i screwd my parents over. Well i feel like shit and i cant sleep and out of pure boredom and in a feeble attempt to escape misery i came to write in my blog. I just feel so left out, god im a fuken loser. My depression has worsend it has become evermore apparent and i dont know what to say, its just so tormenting, now its just so bad where it got to the point where it is actually a physical pain, it actually hurts me, i think and it feels like my heart is ripping appart and nothing i can do to stop it, god im a little bitch my eyes are tearing. Well it helps when i wrte, i juss feel like screaming or running till i pass out, but im so tired my joints hurts when i move, my back keeps craking when i stretch and i feel like im slouching even when i standing straight. Well im listening to some arabic folk music right now, hehe more of a love peice its about a farmer who falls in love with a beatiful rich lady, but the farmer being poor has no chance in hell with getting with that lady, or the approval of her father, so he basically works so hard that he becomes rich they fall in love get together, and she dies, he having nothing left in his life, no point, no purpose no soul or heart to continue living he kills him self with her. Well this is a really old song i translated it to the best of my ability, well i dunno i feel like i can relate to this song in many ways, not just in a past situations but in a current time too. Well im listening to deftones now, man im not thinking right im falling asleep while i type but i need to stay up for 30 more minutes so i can bypass my nightmare period, i made a whole scheadule around it. Well im going to go read Artemis Fowl by eoin colfer, its a pretty good book so far, well have a nice night laterz freinds.
Kal // 5/11/2003 02:45:00 AM
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Monday, May 05, 2003:
HI! well 2 day has been a good day (play good day by ice cube) for me. My "bro" sam is in San diego came on the USS Abe Lincoln. Hes cool hes gonna move to germany and he is getten married their, so i dont get to go to his marrage (that sux nads). Well hes prolly gonna live in Washington DC afterwords (well thats what he told me), continue his med skool or something hes gonna be another rich and powerful doctor lik the rest of my family, well im the only reject everyone frowns upon me because im not going to college who knows i might change my mind and goto SMC or something. Well because my "bro" is getten married im kinda happy, other than that everything blows. Well im so fuken tired but i have a long walk to work, then i have to actually get worken i wish i can just goto my bed and sleep i need a good 30 billion hours of sleep, wish it was like the old days when i was a little brat no worries, no income tax, no car insurance, and no work juss kik back and have everything handed down to you, well those days are over we have to move to the next stage of life, meh i dont care. Well im off to work ltrz peeps.
Kal // 5/05/2003 10:30:00 PM
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Sunday, May 04, 2003:
Sup folks, well i started off today by going to the Revlon walk for womens breast cancer volunteer orientation, ya im volunteering to help out in that marathon which helps in womens breat cancer its gonna be my 4th year volunteering with them. Well im gonna be worken as a route monitor i get to hand cups of water to the runners and cheer them on and ish thats cool. Well after that we went to the marriot in long beach where my parents bought a painting (house overlooking the ocean real nice view) and brought it home, then we ate at the aladin resturant in long beach it was okay. Well this is where my day got wild i dropped my "parents" off home and went to the park to have my daily run, i see a bunch of pro lifers anti abortion fuks at the park having a rally. So i go over there to see their opinions and once they find out im pro abortion they swarm me like a mob the fuken pigs(police) had to hold them off, and then i go tryen to explain why abortion is good, and i cite many cases like the one in texas where the uncle rapes a 13 year old girl, i mean i agree with the fact the some girls abuse it like go have sex and get an abortion like 6 times i disagree with that, i believe it should be limited not like more than 5 abortions i mean the chik herself cant stand more than that it will kill her womb or damage her and she will never be able to have kids :(. Well yes this is when a big buff dude screams fuk that liberal bitch im like wtf i come in peace thats when i start swinging because they are fuken jumping me thats when the cops put me in cuffs, sayen i was disterbing the peace, im like wtf i juss came to see their point of view and offer mine they are the ones who swung first it was self defense and thats why the pigs let me go. I mean those idiot conservative bitchs cant even reason with a person, they are so thick headed, and whats funny is that they were all white red neck type conservative fuks not be racist or anythin but its juss sad. Well thats my day i did a volunteer orientation, bought a portrait, had lunch, got into a fight with a pro life anti abortion mob, and came home, oh yeah i got a call from my "bro" sam he quit the marines he told me he wants to be with his wife, hes tired of living on base and never seeing her, he said that no life i agree with him, i would go crazy if i didnt see the girl i loved for more than a couple dayz. Well yea sam is pimp and has my fullest props, well im out. IF there is any PRO LIFE FUKS reading this u can burn in hell, unless ur peaceful in that case i mean no harm. Well im out bye.
Kal // 5/04/2003 09:48:00 PM
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Saturday, May 03, 2003:
HEY GUYZ, fuken caps lock. Well im writin to u guyz from work. Im so tired i feel like shit. Well i went to marty saturday session shit for AP gov. was boren but educational. Well i feel like shit like im in my kal depressed mood again. I just won a bet, see me and isaac and julio made a bet 5 bux a person that whoever is the last to have a gf gets the cash, well im the last one julez is all cool wit his chik isaac is wit his chik but they dont admit it, leaving my ass out i get 10 bux but i aint gonna hold them up to it. Anyways should i be happy of winnin this bet?? i wouldve gladly paid to lose this bet i juss won the bet that signified me as a loser, adds more to my self esteem dont it??? well before i used to deal with my depression by smoken or kiken it wit friends, stopped the smoken turned to my hommies, now that they busy wit their girlz (dont blame em) and they fancy cars that leaven me here bitting my nailz slowly losing it. No freinds got me fuked should i go back to smoken weed? im such a fuken loser now i dont even have my normal hommies let alone a gf. Well another family member of mine died, that shit juss got me fuked i cant to see others suffer, I dont get this purpose of life anymore, i mean how much pain can any single person handle before he says no more? well i officially reliquenshed myself from god i officially declare myself athiest i dont belive in this "GOD" that u guyz speak of the all mighty fuken prik who tends to screw me over all the time, who lets hate reign, death control, and evil grow withen his most devoted followers which i used to be one of. well fuk it im gonna go roll up a J dont wanna keep feelin like this i might snap. bye all
Kal // 5/03/2003 11:28:00 PM
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Sunday, April 27, 2003:
Sup Friends. Well i juss got back home, waz kiken it wit julez joes and monkey. Man was cool joes waz driving and we almost got sideswiped by a range rover on the harbor 110, meh we lived. Well i returned my tux thats cool, and im home and my "parents" arent here which is bad ass cuz they are gonna trip when they see my hair (got it braided for prom if u dont know already). Well im listenin to my downer muzik some coldplay, dashboard, and other shit. Speaken of shit thats what i feel like, kinda having all these regrets, like im wishen i talked to my date more than i did, i wish i could actually dance cuz i couldnt. God it was horrible, it sux cuz she was so cool, but me being dumbass kal didnt know what to say, its just so hard to communicate. I grew up in a miltary camp our everyday activities were assembling and disassembling our rifles, or how many squirles can we kill with our combat knife, how many rounds can we unload as fast as possible accuratly. I grew up doing shit on how to survive, how to hate and most important how to kill. The program i was in was called SFTF soldiers for the future. Congress cancelled that program, then i was realised into this world, so lost i was an outcast not used to the concept of people, and most important girlz i grew up scared of them, not knowing what to say or what to do. I especially never went to parties never learned to dance. So ya thats why i feel so horrible i juss feel so incompitent god im a loser. Well thats just what i feel, im also having a hard time, a family memeber of mine died on the day of prom, dont want to talk about it tho. Well dont get this wrong prom was sweet was one of the best days of my life, and i thank all of you for it. I also thank all of the people who helped make it so sweet, u guyz know who u are. Well im out.
Kal // 4/27/2003 06:03:00 PM
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Hey guys, i write to u from the humble home of my hommie julio (wow julio was reading this and he pointed out the 4 H sounds in a row). Well before prom was hectic. Prom so sweet and after prom was kik ass. I got my hair braided and it looked cool was getting compliments was wearing my zoot suit tux thingy as everybody called it. Man i took a v8 mercadies ml 500 sports edition i went around mashing in it, with all its awesome power and might, driving in the streets like 100+, well i burned 3 camry's, a jag, 2 mercadies, bunch of other suv's 2 civics, and an h2, and a porshe and yes they did know we were racing. Well back to prom it was sweet everyone looked so cool i mean it was badass i felt complete but i had something on my mind the whole time (major family problem), Well my date Male (maria) she was cool, she was hella pretty too. Well as far as my date we danced and all, but being the kal u guyz usually know if ur a frequent reader of the BS i write would know im freaken scared of chix, like me and my date barely talked which kinda sux, my mind would juss go blank and i wouldnt know what to say. Well i had fun juss being with her even though we didnt talk that much. after prom me isaac (we finnaly reconciled :)...) tamara yelena her bf marta and her date, and olga and julio oh yeah sergay and his date and henry of course we all went and kiked it, first we went to a bowling place, was closed (where vanessa and her date were waiting for us) so then we went norms (lol kal party of 10) so yah we had a blast after that i dropped off olga then marta then henry, then went to julios house got their at like 6:00am man the car was sweet cd changer gps, but most impressive was the torque on that shit. Well ya let me juss thank my date, hilda, her date, ceasar, cindy (man cindy and ceaser were mean humping freak dancing) and andrea and her date they all sat at my table they were cool. I especially thank julio and isaac and all the russians. I also like to thank the unknown soldier which i wont leave out of this joes he helped my ass out before prom, he was so cool. Oh yeah and hilda i give her mad props because she actually got me a date shes kik ass. Well prom was so succesful i felt complete like i had freinds which was so awesome. Well im gonna go turn in my tux now or sometin have fun guyz.
Kal // 4/27/2003 12:53:00 PM
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Friday, April 25, 2003:
Dude, today is the night before prom, i aint gonna goto work. I have this scared shitless kind of anxious feeling to go. well im getting a licoln navigator :( no h2 for kal. Well i got my tux i think i fuken look ugly. Well we had alot of fun me julio and joes, juss kiked back. Julio cut his hair he looks badass but he keeps wearing a mask tryen to conceal his face and his hair, i think it looks pretty cool. It sux cuz me and joes laughed are asses of at him, its not cuz he looks ugly jus because we aint used to the short hair. Well i gots to go laterz. Oh yea have fun at prom guyz.
Kal // 4/25/2003 11:07:00 PM
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Sunday, April 20, 2003:
Hey, fuk we have skool tommora, senoritis struck me hard, in fact it started junior year the 2nd semester. Well today at work, we had this big ass project somewhere in a mini mall in solvang california its like 30 min from San Luis Obispo like on the way to San Fran. well I had to carry the bumpers and push he cart that lined the parking spaces, sure i broke my back but i learned something new. Well i deticate this blog to me winning my first race, see it all started that i was taken my so called mom and dad to their freinds house in San Pedro so i dropped them off, so i had to stay there so while my parents were happily doing what they do i snuck out and was driving the camry (so much better and way faster than my isuzu) so i see this Suped up red civic wit the bottom neon lights (like fast and furious) and i reved my engine so did he the green light came (we were on pacific strret right next to the navy base) i hit the gas so did he at first he was slightly edging off, then VRooM i juss flew away and i wasl ike wow i thought he was gonna burn the fuk out of me, maybe he saw the cops or something so anywayz i kept going making me the victor of my first racing experince, see i didnt have the full blast of racing cuz i was driving auto not stick, i havent driven stick in a long ass time im prolly sketchy wit it now. So ya i juss wanted to boast that i won a race thats all, have a nice day and skool tommora :(.
Kal // 4/20/2003 10:18:00 PM
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Thursday, April 17, 2003:
Hey guys i havent written in a long time, man i have no spelling or grammer, so bear wit me. So my bro;s gf (soon to be wife) had a baby girl 1 month premature her name was pearl she weight 3 somethin pounds, thats cool. Some more kik ass news, i got a date to prom and she actually hot! well what i thought of her in the pictures and so do other people who know her, all this thx to kikass hilda. Umm well today i kiked it with vinnie, jessica, some guy named alex, and another dude named tony (anthony i tink but i aint sure), well we kiked it at alex's house, then went to hometown buffet and omg i havent eaten so much in my whole life, so much for the lettuce once a day usual kal i gained at least 5 pounds lol. Well ya alex and tony said my hair looks like pubic hair (those fukers) i know they were joken they are cool see vinnie made this remark about some guy having a small dik and he said imagines kal's hair wit a small dik coming out, and ever since i was pubic hair boy lol. See i dont get it my hair is sweet shit i like it, in fact it gives me confidence and a moral boost, i find it easier to talk to chix, and it makes me look way cooler than the usual crew cut kal, man all my powers are in the hair, like whenever i talk to chix and everything goes well i juss say to myself its got to be the hair. I think i found my mojo besides my kal ring i think my hair is my mojo cuz its so fuken sweet. Well yea like sometimes i goto sleep in class and i wake up wit chix playen wit my hair sayen kal i like ur curely hair its so cute, and im like the hair has done it again, then i look at my arm and they taged it up wit hearts and shit, and im like wow hardcore sweetness dude. Well to all u peeps who are anti drug, good news i kinda stopped the intake, so i tink im off cool huh? well enough now im gonna jam to work laterz all
Kal // 4/17/2003 10:31:00 PM
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Friday, April 04, 2003:
Hi all, im at a freinds house, i think my parents kiked me out, big ass fight. Well i feel like shit, fuk going clean, u know what fuk america, im gonna leave, to think i couldve been in iraq, if i went on that military thingy, i wouldve been making history but no, my fuken parents denied it, i feel like shit, omg these past days have been horrible, all i think about is my mistakes how much i fuked up, and how much i miss monica. I dont know life anymore im seriously thinking of leaving just disappering one day to never return maybe theyll find my body in the forest like 30 years later, who gives a fuk anyway i know i dont, y should u. Im sorry all i have been is a waste of everyonez time, all i do is bitch and im never happy. Im so sorry and to my freinds im sorry for being the bitch i am, im juss sorry im sorry i dont know what to say, im gonna look for a knife so i can must a masochism. well anywayz im off for the knife have fun. :(
Kal // 4/04/2003 09:18:00 PM
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Thursday, April 03, 2003:
Hi all, well its me again. Well prom sales were going on to today, yea im going stag :( meh who gives a fuk, not like i was going to dance or talk with any chik i take. Well i was readin my freinds monkies blog when, he was talken about he is all sad, and heart broken about a girl, and im like damn thats so sad he remindes me of me, i was listening to my downer musik at the time i was reading some coldplay to be exact the scientist by coldplay and he put in his blog he is listening to it to, and thats when it hit me, me and monkey are so fuken alike, were like some sort of a twisted enigma of sad and endless depression that will rage withen us for the rest of our life till true happiness comes which is unlikely for me for i lost anything that i love or have ever loved. Well im listening to the sceintist rite now, no it ended trouble by coldplay is up next, man i feel like shit, tell u the truth i feel like crying, life is shit, i miss monica oh godi love her,i cant take it no more, my bro is somewhere leading the war into bagdad he is in the 1st marine division i hope he doesnt die, i found out 3 days ago that his girl freind is 7 months pregnant, and im like fuk i wanna cry even more now, they didnt let him even get married they sent his ass out there since january, they are so fuken cold, he is in the frontline i dont want him to die, not juss cuz i love him, its for the baby imagine a baby with no father, that will so suk. Well warning sign by coldplay is playen now. ill gonna go wander the streets to find the answer for life ill see u guys later.
Kal // 4/03/2003 09:38:00 PM
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003:
hi all Im fuken tired, god im always fuken tired, i feel like shit, someone juss end this for me.
Kal // 4/02/2003 06:58:00 PM
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Sunday, March 30, 2003:
Hi, well its me, i totaly feel like shit, but i must resist drug temptations, i need to stop thinken about monica, god im a freak. Well something happened to me that u guyz wont ever believe, my house was raided by the fbi and swat. I was juss sitten here and i here the door being opened when i knew no one is expected home so i grabbed my knife and tazer, so i see some guy in a suit, i kik him in the nads when he was about to say something and i shocked him when the taser when i did that like 4 other guys 3 swat wit smg's aimed at me and one fbi dude wearing a suit, as he flashed he badge and screamed fbi, so i waz like these arent robbers so i dropped my weaponz, heheh think about i took down an fbi operative thats so cool, he had a gun out too! well they searched my house for bombs and shit, cuz u know im an arabic muzlim, thats so fuked up, and then they questioned me, thinkn im a fuken terrorist!!! can u believe that shit??? fuken land of the free my ass, basically the broke into my house searched my shit held me and questioned me and nothing i can do about it at all. Well so now that they thouroghly searched my house (for 3 fuken hourz) for bombs found it clear, and questioned me maken sure i waznt a terrorist or had any terrorist affiliates, those fuken dumb ass fagz, more i think about it more i realize how ive been violated and how i can do nothing about it. Well im 37 minutes late to work, and i really dont give a shit, if they want to fire me let them, im underpaid and do as much work as any 3 other workers put togetherz u know what, im gonna go there like 2 hourz late and im going to demand a raise either that or i fuken quit, well im gonna goto work now laterz
Kal // 3/30/2003 12:39:00 AM
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Saturday, March 29, 2003:
HEy, its 12 i got back from work at like 9:00 but i got called back at 10:00 and now im back no more work for the rest of the day, thats cool. Well i have some good newz i stopped my drug intake so far its been 15 dayz and no speed no injection and no weed. I kinda feel like shit, withdrawl and all. The depression is coming back to me. All i think of is monica and i cant just let her go, i need to move on, I like some chik rite now but its hopeless why give a fuk, no point in tryen to get wit her. So im thinken i should start again but all these peeps are telling me not to, should i listen to them or should i listen to my conscience? fuk it ill think about it later. Well i got the linken park cd its sweet but i like there first one more, well i dunno what im gonna do, prolly gonna go call isaac and goto the galleria or lay on my bed and crank up my system, well ill c u peeps later, have a nice weekend :)
Kal // 3/29/2003 12:12:00 PM
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Saturday, March 22, 2003:
Sup fellas, well i kiked it wit the hommies today was fun as hell, even an old ass hommie of mine sean who i knew since i was a little FOB kid, we even went to mil camp together angel gate acadamy san luis obispo, class 98-10. well war started im too fuken lazy to write down all this shit, thank god not alot of civilianz are hurt, well today was the main bombing of baghdad so shock and awe occured and the ground war and im pretty sure the death toll will be in the thousands of course i might be wrong and i hope i am, as far as my bro somewhere in iraq good luck man and everytime i hear a marine has been shot and KIA, i get fuken scared but so far u are alive so thank god for that. Well tommora we are gonna kik it at santa monica beach, lots of peeps are going well at least planned to go, so far we have me joes julio isaac dmitry jeoffry vinnie kalani, and maybe roy, gonna be sweet tho!!! well back to my basic life, it still sux ass, i juss dont bitch and moan about it as much, got tired of doing that, well life will goes on, and im looking forward for high skoo to end, im gonna either leave the country or goto SMC where me julio sergy and 3 other peeps will rent a beach house, that would be sweet. Well i wanna start the work force immidiatly, and i found out what i want to do with my life, I want to be a firefighter. Well its an honorable job, pays well, great benefits and saves lives and maintains peace, this way i can work for the system but not as a pawn like i would if i was in the marines or if i join the police ( five o, pigz). Well i need to find out what i need to become a fire fighter and i need to shape up because it has a hard physical. So on the other hand my bro is comen from UCR that is cool, maybe me and him can kik it, finnaly some family lol. Well ill c u guys later have fun, and stay safe.
Kal // 3/22/2003 12:52:00 AM
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Wednesday, March 19, 2003:
8:53, sirens went off again well all seems quite for the past like hour or so well in baghdad that is and the sirens are going off again but no flak gunz yet ill keep posted
Kal // 3/19/2003 08:55:00 PM
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American forces have taken control of iraqi radio, telling the people that they will be free, and they will help the people, well the flak anti aircraft has started in baghdad will keep updated
Kal // 3/19/2003 07:52:00 PM
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Well i dont think anything more is going to hapen soon, just strikes they will prolly wait a day to make sure and confirm with their intellegence, on where saddam is, or what some leadership positions are. I dunno something might prolly happen soon. Well the troops are in the 33rd parrallel, ready to move into iraq, and my bro is there and again i say god bless him and other troops on both sides, and for this to end with minimal casulties
Kal // 3/19/2003 07:36:00 PM
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I hear birds and dogs screaming in the cameras i guess the animalz know whats coming kinda like in earthquakes.
Kal // 3/19/2003 07:25:00 PM
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dude i hear bombs, all over iraqi not just flak, OMG i see the lights oh shit this started
Kal // 3/19/2003 07:21:00 PM
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Cameras in baghdad were cut off i dunno if it was all or juss one, prez bush will address will address the country, udai saddam eldest son on iraqi radio says god protect us from iraqi invaderz, well bush will address america now, wow this guys has a good speech, i dont believe him when he says he doesnt want it for oil, but atleast the iraqi people will be free, and im glad my bro is serving helping the liberation of a people.
Kal // 3/19/2003 07:16:00 PM
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flak gunz anti aircraft blaze over iraq again, troops havent passed the DMZ into iraq yet, well the war officially started but baghdad looks clear but other thingz are prolly happening in other parts of iraq
Kal // 3/19/2003 07:09:00 PM
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british and US forces line up in the 33 parallel DMZ and are getting ready to move into iraq 6:51 LA time 5:51 as thursday iraqi time, and it was a cruise missle strike in baghdad earlier
Kal // 3/19/2003 06:51:00 PM
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dude war officially started at 6:45 bush will address the country in half an hour in 7:15 los angeles time war has officially started
Kal // 3/19/2003 06:46:00 PM
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Dude i see light everywhere but i dont see any US bombs, prolly a false alarm
Kal // 3/19/2003 06:43:00 PM
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okay the anti aircraft gunz, and the sirens are going off, in bagdad 6:40 US time los angeles pacific time, well this war is definatly started oh shit man this stuff is wack, well ill keep updated
Kal // 3/19/2003 06:41:00 PM
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Sirens are going on in baghdad, is this the start i dont see anything happened but all i know is air raid sirens are blazing i think this war started. well now all we do is sat back watch and pray, and good luck bro and all the other US troops
Kal // 3/19/2003 06:39:00 PM
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well so far 1 hour 36 min. and nothin happened im gonna keep my eye and try to record in this journal whenever something does happen
Kal // 3/19/2003 06:36:00 PM
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DUDE!!!! i juss saw Greg thats like my bros best freind, i saw him on top of a hummer on CNN, thats so sweet, yea hes like my bros best freind, whose with him in the marines, well 40 min and counting
Kal // 3/19/2003 05:40:00 PM
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Dude 30 min. and closing after the deadline, US and coalition troops move up to sounthern iraq, any minutes now, good luck bro
Kal // 3/19/2003 05:30:00 PM
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damn time passed watchen CNN, anything can happen now, well to my bro keep ur head up out there man, to all the other fellow us soldiers good luck and god be with you, and to the iraqi people well the ones that will live will do so in peace without a tyrant saddam hussien.
Kal // 3/19/2003 05:12:00 PM
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Oh shit 1 minutes matter of minz. or an hour till we start bombing.
Kal // 3/19/2003 05:00:00 PM
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Oh shit 1 minutes matter of minz. or an hour till we start bombing.
Kal // 3/19/2003 05:00:00 PM
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well 15 minutes!!! man this so sux, well peeps are comen up to me and they are sayen well kal were gonna bomb the shit out of your people man. First of all to those poor people im not gonna curse them out or anything, would u like it if i said were gonna bomb the hell out of armenia or russia or india or whoever you guys are would u like it if i rubbed it in your face??? i mean you guys are so cold to just come up to me and say that and also u guys say were gonna bomb the hell out of ur people kal, discluding me as an american citezin, and im like what the hell im just as american as you guys. Well juss think that iraqi people are human to and they should be respected and treated as humans think that they are all gonna die and peeps in skool are just like who cares about them well i do, well ill c u guys later ill keep updated
Kal // 3/19/2003 04:51:00 PM
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Well, i juss got back from skool, 29 minz from the deadline all i can do now is watch tv and pray for the best. Ill keep posted.
Kal // 3/19/2003 04:31:00 PM
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Tuesday, March 18, 2003:
Well hey guys, well these arent good times with less than 20 hours left of the ultimatum and we are on the brink of war with iraq. Well at least were going to get saddam out of power so the iraqi peeps could live in peace they never liked him, they hated him and about time he leaves power. Well ive been watching arabic TV and shows the iraqi universal draft of men, it showed 3 year olds walking carring the AK's and they are juss so small that when the march the ak's drag on the floor behined them, he is drafting everyone whether they are going to college or not, before in iraq it was choose college or armed forces now he juss drafting like mad and if u resist they will kill your family and torture you to death, so either way we are going to do this Iraq is gonna face many casulties and that just breaks my heart. I know im supposed to be all macho and what so ever but the thoughts of all those innocents dying, all the women and children, hell even the men that are being forced to fight that are gonna die, well right now US forced have 700 cruise missles aimed at baghdad and they say that is just the first wave, think of that destruction 700 cruise missle will turn baghdad into ground zero total flatness, and thats only the first US wave of missle, most likely depleted uranium tipped like america did in desert storm, they call this one operation sudden strike and with awe or some shit like that, thats what they said on CNN i thought it would be desert storm revisited. Well i give all my props to the US troopers serving over there, god bless them and watch over them, especially my bro who over there now. Well i have to goto work, hehe my mom doeznt want me going to skool, scared of the anti- arab muslim backlash like in desert storm, where the were beating muslims arabs seiks persians due to the war, well my mom is expectin that to happen again but im sure ill be okay i have way too many freindz and back up at skoo to be hurt, but im surely gonna take more heat from those gay white peeps that are always talking shit who live like next door, well screw them i can beat the hell out of everyone of them. Well i need to goto work and i need to stop thinking about this because i know i cant make a difference well ill see u guys later
Kal // 3/18/2003 10:31:00 PM
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Sunday, March 16, 2003:
Hey guys, so today i get home at like 12 see kalani on aim and play some counter strike. Well about 2 pm i hear knoking on my door and im like WTF, who the hell is that, i know my bro is at college and hes the only one who visits me, and i waznt expectin any freinds, so i like open the door and notice its my parents, im like whoa what the hell do they want from me??? so im like hurry up i aint got all day, and my dad waz like hey lets spend some quality time together son, Im like wtf!!!!! what does he want from me, he wants something. My mom was like we never see you son we just wanna see if we can have a good ol family gathering (by this time i figured that they were either stoned or drunk) well that waznt the case they were sober, their doctors they are against that shit. So at that time i was like playen my downer muzik ( dashboard finch and some coldplay) and waz practicen playen what its like by everlast on my acoustic, so i said oh im doing hw and my dad was like BS come one son lets juss have a family outing so i like try to give them a thousand excuses on why i shouldnt go, but they win (damn bastards they always win) so they are like okay wear your suit Im like WTF what kind of family outing is this??? in a suit???? and im like hell no im not wearing a suit, then they were like okay your choice so i wear some jeans and my orange "Porn Star" T-shirt and black hat that says fuk the system. So were driving and im like where we going and my parents said our usual kik back spot and i say that is???? they say Bel Air West side pavilion resort plaza so im like okay. We get there and there we like Hot rich white chix everywhere and we walk into the resort and everyone is in a tux and im like oh shit i shouldve of worn my suit and shit. So we go to have lunch and i waz like since i never eat ill order some salad i open the menu thingy and the salad waz like 89.95 im like oh fuk this 90 bux for a salad????????? im like dude give me the doe i can order like 20 large papa johnz pizza wit that. So ya my parents force me to get the salad my dad got some $300 steak and my momz got some rabbit. So this waiter dude was like standing there and i couldnt eat cuz he wouldnt go away and every other fuken seconed he refils my glass and asks me if i was okay, and i was like mom get him away from me, so she gives me like 50 bux and i was like whats this for??? she says put it in his poket and tell him to leave so i do that, and im like wow my parents are freaken rich (and i work as a janitor the irony) So i goto the arcade and it was like me and a big ass room with every system i can possibly want ranging from atari to like x box ps2 and game cube. There was another waiter dude in their and i tell him to like sit down and chillax play some games wit me, and he was like sorry sir against regulations, im like dude first of all im not a sir, im a kal, and 2nd of all i command you to sit so he sat down we played some racing game on x box, then some GTA 3 on ps2 man we had a blast, then it was like time for tennis and swimming nad im like shit no wonder my parents are never home they kik it here in the good life so yah, i like leave and i drive home and here i am, waz kinda weird kiken it with my parents i never talk to them and we were eating together, its like i never eat and my parents were there so it was like awkward and silence filled the air. Well today was a blast, and for some odd reason all the young rich white girlz liked me, maybe cuz i waz like the only non white dark pigmented fellow there besides the waiterz and shit. Well i have to go work on my english project so i hoped u enjoyed reading about how rich my parents are.
Kal // 3/16/2003 09:13:00 PM
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Thursday, March 13, 2003:
Hey all, well today was a good day maybe things are getten better for me, well same ol samo went to skoo and stuff lol. Well Mr. Fette my choir teacher's grand ma is dying and hes not gonna be here tommorow or next week, as he has to drive to Texas, man i feel so sorry for him, everyone just hates him because hes gay, what the hell is that, hes a cool person and a good teacher but no one likes him or takes him seriously just due to that fact that hes gay, im sorry but people who are homophobic are so stupid, gay people have feelings and thoughts too, they are human and should be treated in such a matter, whatever there sexual prefrence doesnt make them any less human than the rest of us, well i say this because i used to be a hardcore homophobe i used to rant oh fags and many other derogatory terms towards them well ive change maybe im maturing i doubt that is the case. Well i just feel sorry for him no one takes him seriously everyone looks at him as a joke, and i feel sorry that people have to be so rude to him just because he is so nice. Well i didnt goto battle of the bands cuz i went yesterday and it waznt that great, its not the lack of talent in the bands (although many peeps disagree wit me on that) it was the system they had was all messed up, everyband that went up used the same amp and the bass and reverb is all you can hear, while the lead and supporting guitar was barely even noticable, while the mic was too low, if they had better control and taken the time to set up correctly it wouldnt of been that bad, im goin tommora cuz cave man (henry) is playen hes da hommie and he is a guitar genious so i have to see his band play. So after skoo me and Kalani (fellow Kal) walk up and down school then took the 71 MTA to universal where we played some x box at sam goody bought Kalani a britney spears poster (yes he is a britney spears hardcore fan) and then we saw the movie tears of the sun, and that movie was so damn sweet it was hardcore cool. reminded me of my old days at mil camp when we used to do scirmishs i was a hardcore sniper leader of alpha team, i was so sweet, wish i could be the old kal with that enormus level of sweetness, well dont worry we used aluminum tipped hollow Mag'z (bullets) so they didnt peirce the skin well some did they juss hurt like a bitch so it was live fire but wit somewhat harmless ammunition. So the movie i dont want to spoil it is about Lt that what the call him who was played by bruce Willus, save like a whole mess of Nigerian refugees. Well it remined me of the hate in the world as the civil war in Nigeria did exisit and it was sad, all the hate and the murder that can be done. Then with my wandering mind started knowing of other conflicts like the in the Filipenes, and Afganistan. Then images of mass bodies a virtual genocide started forming in my mind and i realize how can so much hate be created how can greed just create something so horrondus. Then i start thinking of real genocides that occured as with the Armenians, and the Jews who went through many genocides in Spain, in Russia, and the most famous one that we know which occured in Germany under the rule of that tyrant Adolf Hitler. I also think of what happened in Sudan back in 1990, and those horrible images of whole villages being slain engulfed in flames as people run around burning alive, and the genocide that is happening in Palestine right now, which goes virtually unnoticed as the media covered is being swayed by whats happening in Iraq and N. Korea. I see and imagine all this hate and suffering and i realize, what is man's potential? to kill each other by making weapons that kill faster and better?? what makes us humans different from animals is are brain we have a bigger cerebral cortex, so we can think but are we really better than animals?? they kill to eat survive and ward off enemies for protection of their own land, humans just kill for the sake of doing so, and often for greedy ambitous purposes. I just fail to see the reasoning behined all this madness. Well i am in no position to speak as i have done acts unspeakable of, things that i regret doing and will regret for the rest of my life, Im in no position to judge the way things are because i used to do the same horrible acts of violence and murder and I juss wish i can go back in time and change it, juss all the pain and suffering that i have caused to other people and i realized what i used to do and be proud of has caused misery and pain to others and indeed im truly sorry for that and nothing i can say or do will redeem actions to what i have done in the past. damn im rambling sensless shit again lol. so today was kik ass, and i kiked it wit kalani he is so cool man, and he gives me these tuna sandwichs that his mom makes which are soooo damn good (thx kalani and kalanis mom) so yeah man hes a good freind. Well i have english and gov HW to attend to and goto work afterwords so ill see u guys later. Peace
Kal // 3/13/2003 10:22:00 PM
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Sunday, March 09, 2003:
hi all, well Ive had a great weekend i guess, on friday i was supposed to kik it wit sergy and isaac and some white chix, we were supposed to meet up at the grove at like 6:30 so i get home at like 4 and im like okay let me get 1 hour of sleep before i go and i time my alarm clock, and goto sleep and next minute i wake up the next day at 9 in da mornin and im like WTF happened. I look at my alarm clock to see the cord pulled out i ask my mom what happened she said it was ringing for like an hour so she pulled the cord, im like wow all that ringing and i didnt wake up i guess its cause i owe my body like more than a 100 hrs of sleep. Well on saturday something really good happened to me, well it was scary at first but i pulled through and i look back to find it as a great experience but sorry i cant say what happened. well today i juss sat in my room, went to work nothing special, and then thoughts of monica started popping back in my head the depression just started then i see luis body on the floor with is head twisted sideways and his throat slit, then i think of mike wit his head blown off as i saw him at the morgue, and then i keep replaying in my mind that one time they cut my uncles legs off and he still dies, and watching him getting his legs cut off wit nothing to dull the pain is not a good site or image to bear, then i think of sandre who i saw in my own eyes get shanked in the throat and im juss thinking of all my other freinds who i have lost and images of pain and horror fill my mind, then the hatred at the world starts and i try to block it and i do succesfully but then the extreme depression starts, and the questioning of why i am here, i always find myself playing tu pac music like if wonder if heaven got a ghetto or changes juss kiken back to the beat, so if u guys ask me kal why do u do the drugs, my answer is to rid myself of those thoughts and to put me in a large field full of flowers i juss lay there, or on top of a cliff overlooking an ocean with the sunset, i rather imagine those images, then face a reality of images that i normally have. Well rite now i feel like im gonna blow my head off yet i still persist on typing this crap, well to admit writing this crap does help releave all this shit n' stress in me. Well im gonna go smoke a bogie then goto work, have fun guys L8rz... kal :)
Kal // 3/09/2003 10:54:00 PM
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Wednesday, March 05, 2003:
Sup peeps, well im feelin alot better than usual, my foot healing well i had surgery on it last saturday and some minor complications occured with it, my freind roy got out of bootcamp ahh the good times will return. Well today was an anti war protest, i went to it i was all reved up but then i found out that it was all BS everyone who went just did it for the sake of ditching, they didnt give a fuk, they dont care. I noticed myself often in the front of the rows leading the crowd whether it was bravo or bravo lincoln and belmont, well i stopped caring when we got to city hall notcied it was all a waste of time, so i juss left. Well other than that my day has been somewhat great i kiked it wit joes and julio something i rarely do anymore kik it wit freinds, henry too, well for a limited time he had to leave, well today i pigged out like a muther fuker i mean i swear i havent eaten this much for the longest (total opposite of having a peice of lettuce every 3 days usual kal) well way im seeing it why give a fuk, im dont really give a fuk what all u think anymore about who i am and how i look, and i mnot going to prom so why do i need to get in shape only reason i did is so i can look somewhat good, im like fuk it all the weight i lost all those days i starved myself and still do will come to an end, shame to see all that effort wasted imma gonna go back to pigging out not giving a fuk happy kal. Well in school im not doing so good so far im behined in all my classes as i stopped doing home work and taken them seriously im not going to college anywayz so why care (do u see my logic?) well my freind joes got a 90 on his asvab (test u take to be in the armed forces) well to be in the airforce u need about 56 and for the marines u need 28, so yeah joes passes with FLYING colors, emphasize on flying because thats what he is gonna be doing, my hommie julio whose going to the marines got a 95, im thinken these guys are smart what a fuken waste to have them in the armed forces when they can be like some crazy ass chemists, they love that shit for some odd reason they always talk about hydrocholoric this acid that and coming up with all they complex theories and there proof's, and im like okay good for u guys, they always show off that they have AP chem, im proud for them. Well i really wanna join the armed forces like my bro, but then i see myself as a radical one of those Fuk the sytem people who listens to rage and looks up to the Great Che Guevarra, i cant join the system, but its a double standard as i c it. Well im gonna go get fuked up ill c u guys later.
Kal // 3/05/2003 09:57:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 25, 2003:
Hi, well i finnaly slept for the first time in 4 days, even though it was for 2 hours only, it felt good. I had the weirdest dream, I dreamt it was my monica, and she was telling me to take my life to go with her, do u think shes sending me a message from the afterlife asking bidding me to go visit her?? I dunno why would an angel call a loser like me beside her?? I dunno ive been thinkin and i have come to the conclusion that it was part of the hallucenogen of that glass that i took. Well my head feels like its about to blow up, my body feels like its on fire, and my muscle ache when i move, but i have become used to this feeling as its an everyday normal thing to me now. I feel so lonely in this world, with my monica gone, my freinds who are so busy preparing for the body building contest and are too busy to kik it (i dont blame em) that leavs me wit isaac who i cant kik it wit most of the time and if i do its like theres nothing to do because were both broke and have no cars, so lately ive been feeling like my only freind is the high i get which seems tru to me. My mind in scrambled sometimez i even forget i have freinds. Well way i see it my life has been a total waste, the world would of been a better place if i wasnt even created. Im such a loser ive failed on everything i have done, i failed sniper school, i failed my monica, ive failed school, failed my freinds, failed my parents. I look back and try to recollect my life and i see its full of crap, seeing i havent accomplished one thing in my life i ask myself whats the point of it?? i dont plan for it to get any better so i wont accomplish it, so it would be just better for me to end this horror before i snap and start killing people. Today victor was pissing me off, if it wasnt for my freind joes telling me to back of i wouldve snapped that fuckers neck of then and there i dont give a fuk if i goto prison. Well my life is an everyday boring dull process of school, home, work and its just so stressfull, I wish i was 18, i would so fuken leave my parents house, work full time rent myself an apartment, wait no fuk that i would leave this country and i would help those less fortunate i guess, but unfortunatly my ass skipped the 3rd grade, and i have to wait another whle fuken year till i turn 18, while most peeps are getting to leave, im gonna stay stuck with these faggots. My head hurts i cant think im gonna go take a hit and get some more sleep. Have a nice day all... kal
Kal // 2/25/2003 08:41:00 PM
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Monday, February 24, 2003:
Hi, these past days ive tried to stop the drug intake but so far it has been vain, i tried speed injections, and so far ive been up for 3 days, and no matter how hard i try to sleep i cant, and im so tired, how long does this effect last?? well i guess it is good for work. Well as far as my bud smoking its been growing ever more apparent and frequent, and now no matter how much i do, i still feel the depression. I just dont know what to do, if drugs wont even cover up this depression what will?? I ve been spenidng my last few days on the verge of mental collapse, and today well a couple hours ago i broke down, collapsed fell to my knees and couldnt stop crying, was sad imagine a grown man on his knees crying, and i couldnt stop i juss sat in my corner huddled up and kept crying, i dunno what to do anymore, now i have gone to the numb kal feeling where it actually feels like nothing, Everything is Numb. I juss want this to end, ive been thinkin of ways to end my life, but then in my religion suicide is an automatic tiket to hell, but i dont really care i see myself ending up there anywayz, whenever i get close to ending it my moms face comes up and i remember Luis's mom at his funeral and how she couldnt even stand, and i dont want my mother to share that fate, so suicide for me isnt an option. Well i guess its just time for me to keep on the fight hopefully itll get better, thats the only thing i have left hope, and its failing, well i guess im off to do something dont know what yet.
Kal // 2/24/2003 10:21:00 PM
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Thursday, February 20, 2003:
Well its me kal, im pretty sure u already new that, i juss got home rite now from about a couple of hours of running, u might be asking why u running kal??? well i dunno, helps relieve anger at the world or something. Well tommorow im going to meet cesar chavez's grand daughter, and thats like wow crazy. Well i thought my freind roy was kiked out of bravo but then he came back, but something happened today and i dont think hes going to ever come back, that so blows. Well the park ranger at skool i heard wants to search me thinking i have narcotics, well all i have to say to that fuken pig popo fuk, that do u really think im so fuken stupid to have that shit on me, or in my locker??? well i doubt he is going to read this but i felt like sayen it. Well i was doing alot of thinking today, and i realized that even though im down i shouldnt resort to doing irrational things, and i shouldnt be so morbid, and depressed all the time. Im sure those people who i loved that have left me god bless them wouldnt want to see me like this. I also need to reinstate myself with god, I dont believe in anything but him, because every quality of life that i valued has died to me, things like love, passion and pride will seize to exist for the time being, and hopefully will return to me, but god is the only thing i have always believed in, and even though I have been cursing him these past weeks, pleading to him asking him why he had caused this pain for me, i realized thats its his or her way of testing me, to see if my faith endures, well i hope it has, im going to continue praying to god everyday like i have done before, and ill look forward to a better future, with no death, or hate. well i have been writing gibberish again the first thing that comes to my mind i write i guess this journal would be more of a free verse page, juss write down what u feel and think as they come to u. Well i guess im off to do some hw or something.
Yours truly
Kal
Kal // 2/20/2003 08:12:00 PM
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Wednesday, February 19, 2003:
Well, hey guys. So like usual i felt like shit today, was all mad at life. So i decided im going to redirect my anger into something productive, i went to pan pacific park and signed up for a mentor program, every saturday im going to pick up 2 brothers and a sister that live somewhere in west hollywood and take em to pan pacific park to play sports with them, and read to them. Ive always been good with kids so this is going to be the ultimate cool thing for me. Well I got a call from my bro in kuwait, he is so cool he told me they are kiken back haven fun in the sun, and told my parents not to worry. Well there gonna just be pushing buttons and bombing innocent people from a safe city in kuwait so im not worried one bit. Well I still feel bad, im tryen to forget the past and move on to recooperate its gonna be a slow process, so dont worry about me guys im gonna be okay. Well my freind isaac told me he had have his toe cut off, and im like damn that sux. Well i dont know what to say, so im gonna leave u guys wit the nonsense i juss wrote
Kal // 2/19/2003 08:22:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 18, 2003:
Hi, well i have come to write again, im not the everyday writter i used to be, and i have been getting complaints!!!! can u believe that people have been fuken emailing me telling me to write more, im like wtf do u think im a fuken loser u has nothing to do but write in this everyday? well i was now im juss a loser who doesnt write in this, so fuken live wit it, find another depresent to read about. Well lets get started off wit my weekend, last friday me and joes kiked it, we wanted to goto montebello and ended up by my crib in the grove (u know behined cbs in the farmers market) welll we had food kiked it, and came back to my crib where we kiked it some more talked about issue, well that day was also valentines day, and its another year without my beloved monica, and i juss had memries of all the years i had spent with her, and that makes me feel like shit even more, if most of u are true freinds u know about the hardships i went through and still am. Well i did give hilda flowers that day, and man are people so fuking nosey or what, everyone is like hey kal who are those flowers for are they for so and so, No fuk u, and if they are why do u give a shit get out of my face, damn stupid fuks come up to me acten like they are my freinds and i dont even know them, well i got her flowers because i didnt want her to go another year without flowers, most of u think im hitting on her, but no im not but im pretty sure u guys dont believe me so fuken interpret it the way u want, well that day when we got home my momz forced me to goto indio with her (thats 32 miles behined palm springs) well i fought with her and she won so i agree to go, but then the next day it starts of with a fight so im like fuk u, i take all my keys, and some 600 bux i had on me, and walked around to roam the streets sensely by the time i got back home it was 5 in the afternoon saturday, i find them gone, and i cant believe they would leave without me, so to get even i fuken hitchhike all the way to indio starts off with a truker named john who i met at a norms resturant who was heading towards ontario so im like hell ya, and they guys is pretty cool and hes getting married to his girl pretty soon, (wish u all the luck john) so we talk then get to ontario and i was walken around there and man i found some chik who was on a road trip and she was broke i mean no cash at all and she couldnt fill up her car, so i spot her like 15 bux in gas and gave her 20 juss for her to be safe on the road, in return for a ride to riverside, so she take me her name was monica, It was weird talken to a girl named after ur X gf, was juss odd, well yea she is a college student from cuesta college, up north in san luis obispo, and she was heading to somewhere in colorado, so yeah she was cool. So in riverside expecting to find my bro so he can give me a ride to indio, only to find out that fuken parents took him, so here i am stuck in riverside, so i end up walking on the side of the high way felt like it was 3000 miles but was prolly like 4 miles, till i came upon a rest, and i find myself a gray hound bus in route to Indio california im like OMG it cant get any better then this, the driver let me on, after i bought a tiket from him, he on the other hand was a dick i hated his fuken ass his name was melvin, but im coo he actually let me on, he couldve left me on that rest looken for another ride. So i find myself at Indio sunday at like 1 in the morning as then i walk around till i found the royal plaza inn, im like Sweet dude cuz my parents are staying there, they were in room 138 i took room 151 which is right acroos from my parents room, so yah they wake up in the morning to find me going FUK U, in their face telling em i got to indio without them stupid fuks, well yeah i goto the riverside county fair, kiked it there was pretty cool actually except for the fact i was being stalked by the police (gang task force) they were the guys dressed up like swat holding their MP5 Navy SD 5.56mm walkin around looking all sweet. So yah i meet up wit this one chik, i didnt really like her, but i thought she was fuken hot, i know she didnt like me but she saw that i was so fuken rich (im not im a janitor for christ sake!!!!), so u know we get together and ill leave the rest of the story for u to put togeher through your own imagination. So while i getting back to the room, i see this couple who are like ill give u 100 bux to jump into the pool with all my cloths on, Im like okay hell ya, so i do it, juss take my cloth put them in the dryer, cost me 1 buk, and went to sears bought me some jeans and a T shirt for like $20.50 and ended up wit an income of $78.50, and i was like sweet, easiest hundred i made, well turned out John and Susana the couple were at the casinos that day and with 20 bux they won some 6000 bux, and im like wow. So yah a whole mess more happens and i dont remember, i kiss hug make up wit my parents, and take the camry home (I drove, sweet) well, i drove took the 60 to riverside dropped my bro off and then the 60 to La which became the 10 then took the 110 got home around 9, took me hour 45 min at an average speed of 85 to get home while it took my dad some 3 hours to get there going at like 50 or something, well i have been blessed in my opinion ive been driving for a year and a half now (legaly) and about 2 years (illegaly) and i have always speed and so far i havent died or gotten one tiket and im like sweetness dude. So yah i get home at 9, of course i was in a pissed off mood, like the usual kal i am, remembering friday, valentines day remembering monica my old gf, and how much i loved her (and still do) well nothing i could do about it, shes gone for good. Well i beg my dad to let me use the isuzu (even though it is my own car) and he said yes, so i drove it to isaac house got their at like 7:15 piked him up, went to savon and bought gum batteries and a nail clipper since i forgot to clip my nails before i left home, well i drove to six flags took the 110 then 170 then the I-5 then got off on magic pkwy, got to six flags a like 8:15 the 2nd car in the line of the parking withen like 30 more min i looked back and a row of cars are waiting to be let in, by the hundreds stood behined us, so about 9:30 they open the gates i was the first car let in tho the parking but i got burned by some dude in a blue acura wit a v6, which is more than enough for my 1.3 cylinder 40 beaver power isuzu (its a 4 cylinder with about 80 hp). so yah im the 2nd car to park on the tram ride to magic mountain i see shabaz then, slowly 1 by 1 all the bravo peeps appear, and bam ride open me and isaac burst in front of everyone to X, we end up going on its 2nd launch, and man was that shit fun or what? well yeah we kik it x deja vu goliath batmans riddlers, went on them all, everytime i kiked it wit new peeps, first was me and isaac then it was me and henry then, me and the russians, then shabaz, i kiked it wit some azn's too, then the black peeps nbk, ricky, and alagy at the end i was kiken it wit henry cesar and hilda, that kinda suked because i was juss sitten there like a dumbass not sayen anything at all, well yah with 12 bux i won me a giant snake (I mean super giant) a small snake, a rat, and a penguin. Im like a god on those games at 6 flags even though they are rigged!!! Well day ends, i take isaac tamara vanessa and henry home, stopped by mcdonalds we all got a bite to eat, and i dropped them off and lukily for em the juss happened to live on the opposite sides of the earth (perfectly convenient aint it???) well i was cool i had nothing better to do, man the funny ass thing is that isaac was feeding me french fries while i was driving and the kethup was all over my face while tamara whipped my face, cuz i was drivng i couldnt eat, well it doesnt sound funny but if u were there u wouldve craked up. Well i got home at like 9, already sick from like 2 days before, and tired as fuk from senior piknik, i juss went to sleep (screw work), come to skoo today, my freind isaac b day, Happy b day man (hes 18 and single now when he has sex he will be called a statory rapist (did i speel it rite??). So yah im tired as fuk, and after skoo i got fuked up!!!! wit some hommies (no names will be provided for their protection) and then we got the munchies like mad so i treat everyone for chinese food, and then i we goto the donut store bought a dozen of donuts which we also finish off (there were only four of us and enough food for like 300 peeps) so yah i totaly blew off my eating once every 3 days kal diet lol. So i come home sleep do hw, and wake up to write all this nonsense. Man these past days ive been really feeling like shit, but now well today at least, i feel as is my life is a routine of everyday torment, juss live every day as a robot with no emotions always doing the same thing. school, work then school then work, and top ot off with some more school? i ask my self why the fuk is all this for??? i dunno. Well yeah im not feeling depressed im juss feelinmg nothing now, its weird its not i even care anymore, today on the bus ride home i saw this small kid get his ass beat up, i normally would stand up for the little guys, but i dont care he couldve gotten killed and i wouldnt of given a shit, well maybe this is a part of growing up, or maybe after surving depression for a long time u go through the stage of not giving a fuk anymore, well im new to this concept of life, and who knows it might get better. Well im off to work out, work or goto school thats all i ever do, thank u for taking the time and patience to read about my lifem have a nice day :)
Kal // 2/18/2003 08:29:00 PM
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Wednesday, February 12, 2003:
Hi, well the depresent bi polar freak decided to write again. Hehe well lots of u peeps seem to be tripping on me peeps i know and dont know are giving me this look, its weird its a kind of im ashamed of u kal i thought u were btter than that kind of look, and also like a im better than u kind of look, i dunno why but its maken me trip. Well i got a flyer in the mail today from the dept. of defense of the united states of america, sayen that they need recrutes 17 or above to join in the armed forces who can speak arabic, not can i only speak arabic, but i can speak over 100 dialects of it, including the common folk iraqi dialect and the iraqi higher class fornmal type too. I already have training as a soldier they refered to me from my old mil camp days, saying they would like me to be dropped in north iraq, to help the kurdish resistance, behined enemy lines juss me and a couple hundred troops, no way out, while the main US force pushees in from the southwest from kuwait we would be up north closer to syria, so i want to go on this, id be honored, in fact i might get to see my bro hes a marine colonial serving in kuwait as i speak, I really want to go, but i dont know how to break it to my parents. Well im hoping that this will help the iraqi people to rid of their tyrant ruler who has oppresed them for years, and they finnaly deserve freedom, but then i think to my self arabic speaking couple hundred men dropped deep behined iraqi borders???? could this be the bay of pigs revisited???? I dunno, but im willing to die, at least its for a cause, i dont want to end up shot in some drive by shoot out, or missing my head like my freind mike, my life is shit i plan to go their and not only to serve but to live, i plan to help in the setting up of the new free democracy to help the people of iraq live a good life. Well i havent been myself lately ive been going through to much shit, and i have to think that the depression is not making me think rational at the same time, i need some major sleep, and i really need to think this through, me personally i would leave tommora, but my parents I have to obtain their signature and i dont think theyll give it to me, those fuken bastards they hate my ass, they know i wanna leave, they are keeping me here as torture they know i hate my life why wont they just let me go? well whatever im gonna go lift some weights or run or something, have a nice nite all.
Kal // 2/12/2003 10:01:00 PM
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Saturday, February 08, 2003:
Dear Diary
Fuk u, i dont give a shit, post to self dont do anything rash. Well hey its kal this wednsay my freind mike was shot in the head 3 times, lukily he had no family so they called upon everyone on his know list and i appered next so they call me over to identify his body, so i did not actually know its him because there was no head on his body was a total decapitation, what i did use as an identifying figure is the dragon wit the X and a P227 german semi auto pistol tattoo across from his lower chest all around his back to his neck, was some old azn gang that he was in back in the day. Well i do seriously think that im a bad omen nothing is going rite my freinds and family dying on me, my freind roy left bravo, I dropped star 2. My life is shit, and im tired of all of u fukers telling me about ur boy freind and girl freinds do u think i give a frizziling fuk??? and no i cant give u advice on what to get them for valentines day cuz i dont fuken know, if i did maybe id have a fuken gf, and as far as prom im tired of talken to u fukers about prom, cuz i aint gonna have a date and if i do its gonna be a hooker, so please dont fuken bring those issues up. Im not usually like this im usually nice, and go out of my way to make people happy, but u know what im tired of giving a shit about others time to be selfish its all about me cuz im not gonna see any of u fukers for the rest of my life so why care??? I tried to be good and a happy fuken prik, but i realize i cant be that not after lets see 9 freinds dead and 1 uncle lets see my girl freind, im sorry but i have an emotional scar for life, but cover the depression up wit some bud or maybe juss get my combat knife and stab my self in the stomach a couple of times or hammer my hand maybe, and itll be all good helps relieve the pain, and juss put on that fake smile and pretend like everything is okay, like life is great. Well y am i even writing in this??? i dont fuken know so dont ask maybe its the last bastion of sanity left in me to record my thoughts and feelings?? maybe im juss gone mad and i dont know it, so i dont give a fuk aight laterz have fun u stupid fuks
Kal // 2/08/2003 11:13:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 04, 2003:
Life...
My Life is about keeping myself entertained until im dead...
My Life is about all the tastes and sights i can enjoy before im dead
My Life is about pain and misery, wich lead to death...
My Life is about drugs and alchyhol, wich will eventually kill me...
My Life is meaningless without love; Loveless i shall die...
My Life is meaningless....i dont love myself...
My Life has tuched the lives of others...wich prevents me from death..
My Life has taken life from others...im glad i caused death..
My Life was destroyed before I was the age of 16...
My Life is death....
My freind Anonymus
My freind just emailed me this, his freind just got locked up, his freind was indirectly my freind too, and he feels like shit just as i do and wrote this poem, so i decided to share it because it also expresses my greif, in every way. So yah ill see u later
Kal // 2/04/2003 08:38:00 PM
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Hi all, i regret not writing in this as often it helps me realese some of my anger. Well as many of u know ive been fuked up the past 2 weeks started the bud again, the late night parties where i wake up in some girls house, not remembering how i got there. Ive been making bad decision lately i have been following my heart more than i have my brain. I usually analyze things before i act know i just do what i feel and thats wrong its making me go crazy. Ive think i should stop the bud i used to do it all the time but know that i started again and i started strong i cant stop. Know one whole fuken dime bag wont even get me the buzz i need, I havent done it in like 3 days and the withdrawl is comen in strong. Im tripping paranoya has been all over me, as i keep hearing constant voices in my head telling me to do the badest things to the people i love, am i going insane??? I see my only escape from those voices is death or drugz, i feel so lost in this world, i think i tryin to be macho man kal starving myself like a dumbass so i can look good and all the keeping inside of my pain has built up so much that my system juss gave out. Well i respect all the people who say they are worried about me, and telling me to stop, i see how they feel but i plea to them to leave me alone i just need time to think to myself. Well today i juss got some more bad info making my life an even worse wreck for me, My whole body is numb rite know i cant feel anything but my heart feels as there are thousands of spears tearing through it coming out and in and out in and endless circler motion which makes me wanna break down and cry, beg for god to end thins miserable excuse for a life, but again thats my feelings talking i dont wanna die, i want to live up to my dreams to be a doctor and help the poor in 3rd world countries i want to be like my dad thats what i wanna be, but i again i know i follow these false hopes and expectations that i will go through college, that i will become a doctor and i will have the beautiful wife and those 3 beutiful children that I want, but i know thats a bunch of bull shit. Well enough of my dumbass thoughts. Lets see today i kiked it after skoo wit vinnie, we went to LACC to fill out a transcript request form, then we got food i had 2 big cheese pizzaq slices and i got vinnie some thai food. Well afterwords we went to some guys house kinda lives by that cafe that i went to with martinez and henry, he was cool, vinnie and the guys bleached there hair then we went and bought some more cuz the yran out of bleach, was funny cuz the dude was wearing a plastik bag on his head and was walking around waz funny!!!! well he had some kik ass chuwawa dawg that wouldnt leave m alone, but the dawg was cool tho so was the dude little bro hes only a 6th grader but i can tell hes smart as hell. Well ya so after that i drop vinnie of and come home and start writing this and here i am, well ill see u guys later
Kal // 2/04/2003 08:28:00 PM
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Sunday, February 02, 2003:
Hey well, im sorry havent been writing still recooperating for all the bad shit in my life, well i have resorted to masochism and drugs to cover up some of the pain. Mnay people are like why do u do that, and all i have to say is fuck off you dont know what i go through. Well this weekend my hommies hung out it was fuk we went to venice beach and citywalk played football and all that shit man it was crazy fun, it takes ur mind of the real world kinda like drugs but funner. Well ive done alot of things sice i last wrote in this recording of my miserable life, i cant recall any of them because i was prolly hurtin, and if not i was drugged in some way or another. Well ill see you guys later. Bye
Kal // 2/02/2003 09:33:00 PM
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Friday, January 24, 2003:
Well hey guys, Its kal. Well i finnaly goto sleep at 4:30 last nite woke up around 5:15 got a call the my uncle had an accident on the freeway. His car was crushed by an 18 wheeler, so i drive there 140 mph all the way. When we get there we find the paramedics with a saw tellin my dad that he has to choose its either his legs or his life, my dad signs the waiver and with no morphine or anything to numb the pain so he had to resort to holding my hand while bitting on a gausse in his mouth, well they fix him up all good and he ends up dying anyway 30 min later at 6:12am. Well all they did was make it a more painful death, and the sad part is i had to sit there and watch him go through it. Well I had to goto my frind luis's Funeral i got there at 9:30 missing the church ceremonial i did get to see them put the coffine in the car so i followed it and watched the preist give his blessings and finnaly they dropped the coffine in, i gave my condolenses to his mother, i felt so sorry for her she was wrecked poor thing couldnt even walk they had to carry her everywhere, that is the worst thing in the world for a mother to see her son die. Well i drove to star 2 made it a little late didnt want coccoza to think i was chikening out. So i didnt present anyway im going to on monday, well after skoo i looked all over for my hommies none of them were in site, so iwas about to leave and found out brenda needed a ride and i gave tanzib a ride, which is coo cuz they on the way to my house and i dont like driving alone it boring that way, and i came home. Well this week started out great but ended in utter tradigy seems everyone is dying on me, i suggest that none of u should talk to me i seem to be like a death magnet my gf my uncle and about 7 freinds that i know, im not safe if u see me in school just look the other way. I would like to thank all of the wonderful peeps who have been maken me happy, and wathcen after me and afforing help, thank all of u. Well im off i hope no one dies tommora either.
Kal // 1/24/2003 09:00:00 PM
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hey guys,well i juss finsidhed doing hw, its 3 in da mornin i was bored so i decided to come one here and type my usual ramblings juss for the sake of typen lol. Well i didnt goto work today thats an obvious. Well in star 2 Dr. Cocozza wants me to fighure out the molecular differences between type 1 and type 2 diabeties and i just simplay cant find that out, as i have searched and searched at Norris and online and no where can i find what to do or say, well im presenting tommora like the usual im going to be scared shitless and im gonna look stupid but whatever, whats the worst that can happen i faint???? lol no im not the much of a dim wit scardy cat lol. Well hey im gonna get 3 hrs of sleep today thats awesome!!! well ill see u guys later Go get some frizziling shut eye.
Kal // 1/24/2003 03:10:00 AM
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Thursday, January 23, 2003:
Hey guys, how are all of u. Well RIP To Luis Evans Ridger 1985-2003 who was killed yesterday by haven his throat slit by some dumbass gangbanger named Artur Montoya apparantly a gangbanger that lives a couple of blocks from luis, well aparently Artur had a little accident as he was found brutally beaten and had his throat slit, see im laughing cuz im happy that foo Artur got a hit put on him. Well I know Luis is looken down at us from heaven up there with 2 pac and biggie smilin at us, so best thing to do is to stop the cryen and reminisin and put on the fake smile that your always supposed to have, and move on. Please if u see me at skoo act like nothin happen and dont come sayen sorry to me cuz i juss dont wanan even remember that stuff. oh yeah bowlin for soup is the shit, and id like to thank vinnie for teachen me more guitar shit, and all those people who i can talk to and turn for support when i need it. Aight laterz all
Kal // 1/23/2003 11:23:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 22, 2003:
Hey, Well today was a good day, till i got a phone call, my old freind Luis I grew up wit him, he practicaly taught me english. Well i got a phone call from his mother, she was crying and once i piked up the phone I knew something happened. Well today he got his throat slit, and he died at 1:26pm today. Im juss shocked i was talking to him and his mother just yesterday, just yesterday i shook hands wit him, we talked played ball, juss yesterday me and him went out for a drink and get somethin to eat, and its just so hard for me to process that he is gone, gone forever never to be seen again, I juss cant get it, i cant process it in my mind i mean its just so unbelievable. Im sure everyone here has lost a loved one, and has gone through what im going through rite now, i doesnt feel that good, this isnt my first time that i have lost a freind but everytime this happens its just so shoking. I juss cant think straight I openly admit i want vengance, I want to find out whoever did this and kill them in the slowest most painful way possible. But im not thinking rational, I need to wait for my mind to clear up and for this cryen to go away, maybe i should do hw or goto sleep or juss run till i pass out i dunno ill see u when i see u. bye
Kal // 1/22/2003 07:26:00 PM
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